Nationalism in India has seen a phenomenal subscriber growth in the last one-year, perhaps second only to Jio which also qualifies as a necessary condition to be a government sponsored nationalist.

These are challenging times, don’t get me wrong, not because of the difficulties but because some people have become intellectually challenged. And to identify them it merely takes a quick stroll through your Facebook feeds or the 73487658758374710949937364850th message on that one WhatsApp group that everyone has muted for eternity.

No, I’m not talking about that lonely person in your contact list, who, either has a failed relationship or controls time, and therefore has enough time to forward all the WhatsApp messages received on the very same WhatsApp group no one really gives a damn about.  Even less damn than Congress gives about their own future, and that is a figure only less than infinity my friend!  So here are some basic points you can use to spot a pawn of this pseudo movement of Nationalism in India!


  • They appear only once in a while (their appearances having been frequented from the time Nationalism has been redefined) to send a twenty tricolors or just say “Jai Hind” without really meaning it. These people are in fact are more opportunistic towards Nationalism than America is for oil, Salman Khan for footpaths, Pritam for Inspiration and Owaisi for minority votes.


  • They have no clue or respect about Hindi writers and are often seen snorting on DDT powder from CHETAN BHAGAT Books, which is the highest offence on Earth and yet use especially written posts in Hindi during the spike of political agenda driven Nationalism in India. Their posts start with a “Vande Mataram Doston” with “Doston” being a reluctant suffix and “Vande Mataram” a phrase they don’t really know the meaning of (Of course, it’s something that makes you a. . . a Nationalist!)


  • They have evolved only to use the word ‘traitor’ as a ‘valid’ point in debates concerning national issues. Sometimes their single statement makes use of the word “traitor” at least thrice (thrice the charm, of course). “Traitor” having lost its real meaning and evolving to mean “people who debate and dissent against nationalism in India” (I’ve strictly stuck to the latest update, any discrepancy in the meaning of this word whatsoever is a direct consequence of my brain’s stable ‘Aware of the recent developments WiFi’ connection)


  • They are more willing to call you Afzal Guru’s Kid, Hafiz Saaed’s Grandkid, Umar Khalid’s sibling ( Holy crap Karl Marx just sneezed on me) , Nawaz Sharif’s cousin and Kanhaiya Kumar’s bestfriend without knowing if these people really had a life why would they seek more attention than the passion with which blackholes suck stuff.


  • They label you a Pakistani, an ISI agent, or ISIS instructor the moment you say words like “Democracy”, “Freedom of Speech”. Or talk about the constitution. Verily they think constitution is as pulpy and peppy as a Chetan Bhagat novel. However, if you talk sense you are the biggest obstruction to Nationalism in India.


  • Drowning in nationalism which is more orange than pulpy orange, they will talk about the idea of ‘Akhand Bharat(unified India)’, especially making it more integrated than an Integrated circuit is, yet will only talk about dividing the country on the lines religious ideology. And their main agenda in fact is to divide the country into as many groups as there are strands of hair on their heads. A Muslim..? Go to Pakistan! A Christian? Go to Trump! A low caste? Stay off! A Hindu turned whatever? Ghar Wapsi! A Jew? Well they will set up a committee to check how you even survived the holocaust!


  • They’ll revere only Indian cows and support beef ban in India so that tinned beef from soon to be opened in India- Walmart can easily be sold. Because you know. . . Firangi cows aren’t worth worshipping and the Goras also ought to make money in Inida after having been deprived of that privilege since 1947.

Dr. Iqra Suggests and heavily so, that India even with its flaws and struggles has stood the test of time to be one of the most tolerant Nations of the world and that is because -the influence of Indian ideology which was modern, artistic and rational influenced every culture and belief here. Tinkering with it to make a saffron Saudi is perhaps the most anti-nationalist and anti-hindu thing ever. And this is coming from a pro-hindu muslim.

Author: Iqra Raza

Edited by: Tabish Ahmed

P.S: Contains 5% real pulp of orange nationalism, extracted from Kesariya Balama song, Anupam Kher tweets, Patanjali Products and Tanmay Bhatt’s paunch.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *